The truth of pain

Last week we had to take Zoey to Ballito to have Grommets in both ears. It was a pretty stressfull experience for all of us so we decided to go away as a family for the weekend and take a break.

I will tell you in another post about the fun times of our weekend in Zinkwazi, but this post is just about the worst seventy minutes of my life.

On Saturday afternoon Andrew and Zoey went for a nap together. Ewan and I spent the afternoon playing by the lagoons edge and colouring in his new book.

At about 4:45 we were sitting outside and he was playing with his stuffed Mickey Mouse and some sweets from his schools Easter sale.

The afternoon was muggy and I really wanted to rinse off the sweat that was coating me. I tried to convince Ewan to shower with me or go inside but he was really happy playing. I made him promise to stay next to the table and I ran inside. I was gone just over two minutes.

When I glanced outside on my way back to the bedroom Ewan was gone. I ran outside with just a towel on. I couldn't see him next to the lagoon. At this stage I believed he was behind the house so I ran in and threw on a shirt and shorts. I ran around the whole house but couldn't see him. That was when I found Mickey Mouse lying abandoned in the garden. At this stage I fetched Andrew and together we ran up and down the bank.

Fear had now started to creep in. I was screaming his name and getting histerical. Andrew got me to go back to the house and fetch Zoey. He ran on through the resort screaming Ewan's name.

At 5 I went to our neighbours and asked if they had seen him. The husband had seen him playing at the tap next to the house about ten minutes before. The whole family joined in our search and within minutes about twenty people where looking for Ewan. I moved between holding Zoey and trying to calm myself down with Mickey clutched to my chest and screaming with a pure pain I didn't know it was possible to feel.

I left Zoey with another Mom and went racing around the resort again screaming his name. When we passed the half hour mark a cold and terrible fear crept over me. We weren't going to find him. My baby boy was gone forever. I vomited in the nearest bushes as waves of dizziness passed over me. I thought about his last day and hoped that it was a happy one. I regreted not getting him the ice cream he wanted in the shops earlier that day. I sat on the ground and sobbed loudly and uncontrollably.

In that moment I no longer wanted to live. My reason for life was gone.

I prayed and screamed to every god to let me just hold my son one last time.

I can't count the number of times I screamed Please at the top of my lungs.

I went back to Zoey and scanning the river bank.

A woman I don't know held me and gave me huge amounts of comfort. Her words that we would find him were like rocks I was clinging to in a storm.

I regreted my shower, I regreted going away for the weekend and I regreted every moment I had not spent with my son. I kept thinking of his 5th birthday just six weeks away and that would send me into a fresh flood of tears and anguish.

My arms ached to hold him just one more time.

I spotted a blonde movement in the river and ran forward. It was just a leaf but for a second it was Ewan in my head.

After an hour I was defeated I had lost all hope.  If he wasn't in the river then someone had taken him.

In the meantime Andrew had run all over the resort and even into the kraals on the far side.  At one point his only thought was that his little nap with Zoey was the last time he would ever sleep properly again in his life. My strong husband was hurting but determined to find his son even if it was just his body.

Just after six I felt like I could no longer go on. I was sitting on the ground screaming please and rocking Zoey in my arms.

At that moment I heard Andrew shout that he had found him. He had sprinted across the resort carrying Ewan. The tears of relief as I held my son just poured down my cheeks.

Ewan was alive.

He had run away because he didn't want to shower. He had locked himself in the ladies toliets next to the restaurant. Andrew heard him singing to himself and after yelling at him, he got Ewan to unlock the door.

I was filled with a mixture of relief and anger.

I still cry just thinking about that hour. Andrew and I have not slept properly in two days as our minds still swim with the what might have been.

Until Saturday I thought I knew what pain was and what fear felt like. Now I know the worst feeling on earth and nothing can come close.

I still feel a little bit numb.