The incredible lightness

I am guessing that you all know that I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions about our impending move. To be honest I have felt really down for a long time now and I don't think it has much to do with the move. Last night as I was falling asleep I realised that I had been feeling really light and happy all afternoon. I kept smiling for no reason at all. I couldn't think what had changed, I am a bit dim as I am falling asleep, and the only thing that has changed is E leaving that school. Today I am still feeling insanely happy. I guess all the drama and problems we had with that school from day one had really taken there toll on me. So if I ever wanted proof that we are doing the right thing, the feeling I have in my heart now is the proof. I phoned the PA at his new school today to confirm some papers we need to drop off and the friendly chat we had cemented everything. We will be happy in Ballito and I know E will be so happy at Crawford.

The pic is of E and his best friend as school. The only reason to be sad is leaving friends behind but I know he will make lots of new buddies.

The beginning of the end

In 5 minutes I will get up from my desk and go and fetch my son from his school here in VHD for the last time. We have been planning this for such a long time that it hardly seems real that the end is finally here. His journey through school has not been an easy one and I hope that our choice to send him to a different school is the right one. I am sure that it is and that he will be much happier at Crawford but right now it all seems very scary. This is the first "final moment". Next week he has last swimming lesson and from there it is an avalanche of last times till we pack up and leave. I wanted this so badly but now that it is here and we are finally closing the chapter, it all feels a little unreal.

Going downhill

Life is a bit crazy at the moment. I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. Things will be really positive for a few days and then we get knocked back by another let down or failed promise. Today I am trying to be happy but I just feel like crying. The move is a good thing and there is no going back now. I want to do this but at the same time it would all be so much easier if we stayed. We are giving up owning a home and renting a flat. My job as a freelancer is always a little but unsure but now things are unsure for A as well. What if I am the main earner next year? There is a big possibility that I will be for a few months and it terrifies me. I am trying to source all the work I can get. Life would be so much easier if we stayed but that would be going backwards and its time for us to make a giant leap forward. Things will get better. They have to:) On a brighter note we had an awesome holiday in St.Lucia. The weather wasn't always great but we spent hours in the pool and jacuzzi. On Wednesday we drove through to Crawford for E to attend their welcome to the school day. We spent an hour there and E had a blast. He made new friends and played with the mountain of toys in the playground. He painted a bear in the arts classroom and made a crown for himself and one for Z. Watching him on Wednesday made it clear that we have made the right choice sending him there. He will thrive. I just need to keep thinking of the positives and not drown in all the fear.

Everything changes

The whole of our small town knows as of today so I may as well tell the blogging world. We are taking a massive risk and packing our bags for a better life. A + I have not been happy here for many years and we spend our lives travelling to the place that does make us happy. We had a few big plans in place but they all fell through and one day A said that it was time to stop existing and to start living. If we don't go now we will never make the leap and we will be stuck here for the rest of our lives. So without all the plans and backup we are taking this leap on our own. In just a few weeks we are moving to Ballito and I can't wait. E is booked into Crawford College, a school that will really allow him to grow and be the best he can be. That school was a huge factor in our choice to move. I need to be in a more inspired place for my work and what could be better than the beach. A will get to explore so many options in his career and to push himself further. We will get to live a far healthier way of life. Walks on the beach with the kids,cycling on the Durban beachfront and hours playing in the sunshine. I am looking forward to getting back to Virgin Active. I have missed having a proper gym. This is the best choice for us but it is still filled with fear and uncertainty. We will go from owning a house to renting one as we build up the cash towards the far higher cost of a home in Ballito. That scares me but I know we have to do it. Life has been the same for so long that the thought of change is enough to bring on a 3 week (I am not kidding) cold that will not go away and some serious neck pain.

Freezing cold swims

In an effort to get into shape for summer- I am not sure what shape yet, but a shape of sorts- I agreed to go swimming in the morning with one of my friends. Bex was all enthusiastic at lunch yesterday and so was I, this sounded like a brilliant plan. Yes I had a few drinks but as she is pregnant this wasn't a drinking idea. I have done a few of those like swimming the Midmar Mile or walking 15km for fun. They all sound great at the time but the reality is very different. Zoey is very sick with a bad cough at the moment so we had a late night with her. By 2am my throat was sore and I had an earache. The excuses to not get up at 5:45am started to come thick and fast. I got up after 6.5 hours sleep and I wasn't happy. It was 12 degrees. Not what I would consider swimming weather. We met at 6am at th local high school pool. The water was freezing but after forcing myself to get up I felt like I should go through with it. Bex had no such feelings and decided the baby would get cold if she swam. After ten minutes I convinced myself to get in the water. My whole body started stinging with the cold. After a few false starts I finally swam 6 laps. I was exhausted from shivering and my skin was bright red. I decided to call it a day. Three hours and a hot shower later I still wasn't warm. I love swimming but I am over these cold morning swims. I did the years of early morning swim training and it turns out that since the age of thirty I am no longer interested. We are going to wait for the pool to warm up considerably. So what do you do to get in shape for summer?

More Than Food

I have recently started contributing to More Than Food, an online food and travel magazine. My first article went live today. Please go check it out:0 More Than Food

Tous Les Jours

This is not a sponsored blog post!!! We spent last weekend in the Natal Midlands to celebrate my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary. Great weekend and more about it in tomorrows post. On Saturday we went to Piggly Wiggly and I remembered Keri from Midlands Musings raving about Tous Le Jours, a small french style shop there. The kids went to play and I wandered into a small spot of French heaven. The lady at the till was very sweet and chattered away while I looked at all the facial products. In the end I chose a face wash, toner and mosturiser. The total for all three was R190. I was amazed as this is an organic product. I generally buy from the Bodyshop and the total for all three runs around R450. Great savings. I was very tempted by the lovely summer pyjamas but we are busy saving for a very big buy at the moment so I will have to go back for a pair next year. It was a lovely spot to browse around. The babies clothes and products looked super cute. Potential Christmas gifts for Zoey. I have been using the products for three days now and so far I am very impressed. My skin is super soft and the lavender does help me to calm down and sleep at night. The products are now available online. Go check them out Tous Le Jours.

And the winner is....

Me!!! For the worst blogger in history. I have gotten so caught up in work, that I have totally neglected my blog. The stupid part is that as a writer my blog is part of my job. I often lie awake in the middle of the night and think of a brilliant post, by morning I have totally forgotten the post or I think that its the wrong post to write after such a long time. We have had some good/bad news recently which has jerked me into action on the blog. Hopefully I can tell you all about it soon. So onto todays news. I want to know what you think of the blogs name... should I keep it or change it? Go check out Katinafrica at the end of this week. There will be a few new posts there about my writing and general thoughts on life. Not for sensitive viewers. In general news.. The kids are getting older... wow surprise!!! Zoey quite often sleeps through the night now. Ewan is becoming Mr. Independent. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. This has resulted in me trying to bring back some things I used to enjoy. Wine, photography and writing for pleasure are all slowly finding a place in my life again. I have recently taken a giant leap of faith and I have started pitching articles to magazines. The response has been really postive and I now wish I had believed in myself a bit more in the past. My biggest support has come from Margot at Jou Ma Se Blerrie Blog. She has been very helpful and given me the courage to try pitching stories. I found out from her that editors are not the scariest people in the world. I promise to not be quite so neglectful of my blog again.

F#$K it all

I can't do this anymore. Is anybody else just wondering what the point is? I work hard and get told that I don't take responsibilty for my kids. If I don't work then I am a lazy stay at home Mom. I earn money but because I have children and my husband has a job I should rather stay at home with the kids and beg money from him. You can't win. Things will be changing in our lives soon and suddenly the guilt is being thrown with far more force. So should I stay home, lose my mind and resent my kids to make the few happy or should I go to work, make myself happy but have to deal with the snide remarks. I feel like all I do with my day is work when I can, have guilt thrown at me, yell at my kids, resent my husband, fight with my husband, worry about money, worry about my weight and wonder how this is my life. Fucking middle class issues I know but today I really just can't deal with it. I am the person who went for a packet of smokes and never came home... in another life.. maybe. Today I am just tired of it all.

Grommets

I can't leave out Zoey's big story. The first big drama of her young life.

She had her first bad ear infection at nine weeks but it cleared with antibiotics and everything was fine. In January she got another ear infection, followed by another in Feb and another one in March.

Her Doctor suggested we put her on an aggressive ten day antibiotic and after ten days take her to an audiologist to check that infection had completely cleared.

Well after ten days of fighting to get meds down her throat twice a day her eardrums did not respond at all to the tests. The darling child was basically deaf from all the fluid build up.

The audiologist suggested we see an ENT. I don't trust any of the Doctors at Newcastle, which is our closest private hospital, so I contacted her Doctor at Alberlito and he referred us to a Doctor there.

I managed to get an appointment on Monday the 7th April. Andrew and I took her down on the Sunday and had a relaxing time with just our little baby.

The appointment showed she needed grommets in both ears and that they needed to be done urgently. The fluid was causing her pain, affecting her balance and setting her back in speech milestones.

I was so freaked out about having my tiny ten month old go under anesthetic. Andrew was the calm one and Zoey couldn't have cared less.

We booked the surgery for the next day. I hardl slept that night and Zoey was fairly restless without her 3am bottle.

The check in at the hospital at 6am was very easy and the staff are so friendly and helpful. A few recognised Andrew and myself from Zoey's birth and made a huge fuss of her and how much she had grown. Zoey just loved all the attention and smiled at everyone.

The peadatric unit at Alberlito is lovely. Nice staff and a great play area. I loved that each ward had it's own bathroom and only four beds. Number of private rooms and isolation rooms as well.

Compared to Umhlangha and the horrible Hillingdon it was a really nice place.

Zoey crawled all around the ward and got very antsy about her missing breakfast and bottle.

Time seemed to move very slowly but I know it wasmy nerves.

Just after seven the theatre staff came to fetch her and Andrew carried her down.

I was too nervous to be in theatre but Andrew held her in his arms while they put the gas mask on. She hated the mask but was trying to get to the hat on Daddy's head. Apparently she went under very quickly. Andrew went outside to wait.

I fetched her blankie and some juice for her and sat nervously waiting in the ward.

I heard her coming long before she go there.

My happy go lucky baby was howling.

She was confused and feeling sick.

I cuddled her and walked up and down the ward.

We tried giving her juice but she vomited all over her babygrow. After a change it was back to walking all over the unit again.

After two hours of rocking and cuddling she eventually took her bottle and fell fast asleep.

The Doctor arrived and told us we could go home when we where ready. The nurse told us to stay as long as we needed to. So I relaxed in the big lounge chair with a sleeeping Zoey.

She woke up at 11:30 happy and smiling again. Zoey gave every nurse a hug goodbye and we headed home.

The tears and drama where horrible but it has made such a difference already.

On Wednesday she pulled herself up and cruised along using the furniture as a hold for the first time. She is making more sounds then before. She doesn't rub hers constantly and most importantly she is sleeping through the night most nights.

Well done my beautiful brave girl. I am so glad we did this.

The truth of pain

Last week we had to take Zoey to Ballito to have Grommets in both ears. It was a pretty stressfull experience for all of us so we decided to go away as a family for the weekend and take a break.

I will tell you in another post about the fun times of our weekend in Zinkwazi, but this post is just about the worst seventy minutes of my life.

On Saturday afternoon Andrew and Zoey went for a nap together. Ewan and I spent the afternoon playing by the lagoons edge and colouring in his new book.

At about 4:45 we were sitting outside and he was playing with his stuffed Mickey Mouse and some sweets from his schools Easter sale.

The afternoon was muggy and I really wanted to rinse off the sweat that was coating me. I tried to convince Ewan to shower with me or go inside but he was really happy playing. I made him promise to stay next to the table and I ran inside. I was gone just over two minutes.

When I glanced outside on my way back to the bedroom Ewan was gone. I ran outside with just a towel on. I couldn't see him next to the lagoon. At this stage I believed he was behind the house so I ran in and threw on a shirt and shorts. I ran around the whole house but couldn't see him. That was when I found Mickey Mouse lying abandoned in the garden. At this stage I fetched Andrew and together we ran up and down the bank.

Fear had now started to creep in. I was screaming his name and getting histerical. Andrew got me to go back to the house and fetch Zoey. He ran on through the resort screaming Ewan's name.

At 5 I went to our neighbours and asked if they had seen him. The husband had seen him playing at the tap next to the house about ten minutes before. The whole family joined in our search and within minutes about twenty people where looking for Ewan. I moved between holding Zoey and trying to calm myself down with Mickey clutched to my chest and screaming with a pure pain I didn't know it was possible to feel.

I left Zoey with another Mom and went racing around the resort again screaming his name. When we passed the half hour mark a cold and terrible fear crept over me. We weren't going to find him. My baby boy was gone forever. I vomited in the nearest bushes as waves of dizziness passed over me. I thought about his last day and hoped that it was a happy one. I regreted not getting him the ice cream he wanted in the shops earlier that day. I sat on the ground and sobbed loudly and uncontrollably.

In that moment I no longer wanted to live. My reason for life was gone.

I prayed and screamed to every god to let me just hold my son one last time.

I can't count the number of times I screamed Please at the top of my lungs.

I went back to Zoey and scanning the river bank.

A woman I don't know held me and gave me huge amounts of comfort. Her words that we would find him were like rocks I was clinging to in a storm.

I regreted my shower, I regreted going away for the weekend and I regreted every moment I had not spent with my son. I kept thinking of his 5th birthday just six weeks away and that would send me into a fresh flood of tears and anguish.

My arms ached to hold him just one more time.

I spotted a blonde movement in the river and ran forward. It was just a leaf but for a second it was Ewan in my head.

After an hour I was defeated I had lost all hope.  If he wasn't in the river then someone had taken him.

In the meantime Andrew had run all over the resort and even into the kraals on the far side.  At one point his only thought was that his little nap with Zoey was the last time he would ever sleep properly again in his life. My strong husband was hurting but determined to find his son even if it was just his body.

Just after six I felt like I could no longer go on. I was sitting on the ground screaming please and rocking Zoey in my arms.

At that moment I heard Andrew shout that he had found him. He had sprinted across the resort carrying Ewan. The tears of relief as I held my son just poured down my cheeks.

Ewan was alive.

He had run away because he didn't want to shower. He had locked himself in the ladies toliets next to the restaurant. Andrew heard him singing to himself and after yelling at him, he got Ewan to unlock the door.

I was filled with a mixture of relief and anger.

I still cry just thinking about that hour. Andrew and I have not slept properly in two days as our minds still swim with the what might have been.

Until Saturday I thought I knew what pain was and what fear felt like. Now I know the worst feeling on earth and nothing can come close.

I still feel a little bit numb.

So sick of eggs

So this is my paleo diet update. Day 17 and I hate eggs. I loathe eggs. In truth I have never really liked them but they form a huge part of this diet. The first week I had eggs for breakfast every morning. Breakfast is aleady a  battle for me as I have never liked eating in the morning. The eggs just add to the issue. I am thinking of just eating fruit in the morning but that is higher sugar so we will see.

Enough of the moaning...

I am now sitting at 77kg which means a total weight loss of 5kg's. People have started to notice and my clothes are feeling a bit loss.

I do need to push the exercise but I am just not finding the time. I need to actually set a time in the day and force myself to work out.

 

Anyway it's an uphill battle but besides the eggs I am enjoying Paleo and finding it quite easy to follow.

A normal post will follow tomorrow:)

 

Paleo 30 day Challenge

One of my resolutions for my thirties was to lose the baby weight gained from two pregnancies. I tried a couple of diets but as somebodywho spent years not eating I find progammes that have points difficult. I tend to try and get as few points as possible using exercise and not eating. Not exactly the point... I know.

My Doctor suggested the Paleo diet and since my husband had just heard a talk about the diet and wanted to give it a go the timing was perfect.

The basics:

Paleo does not involve points or counting calories. The idea is to simply eat the way hunter-gathers did. This means no processed foods, carbs or diary. I did a lot or research and most of it really makes sense. When you shop on the Paleo diet you stick to the edges of the supermarket and fill your trolley with fruits, vegetables, nuts and meats.

So the 30 day challenge:

I am sticking completely to the diet for 30 days(okay I will have the occasional white wine spritzer). It's a really short period of time and I want to give this diet the best chance. After 30 days I will decided if I want to continue, adapt the diet a bit or stop altogther. I plan to write here every few days just to update on weight loss, cm loss and how I am feeling. Hopefully this will help others wanting to try Paleo.

The start:

I started the diet on Monday 02-02-2014. The night before I ate a carb fest from KFC to get it all out of my system.

Breakfasts have consisted of omlettes with bacon or leftovers from dinner. Lunch is fruit or steamed veg. Dinner so far has been steak and salad or meat and veg. Tonight we are having people over for dinner so I am doing a chicken bake with cauliflower and pumpkin mash,

Feelings:

I haven't actually missed carbs and I do feel full after a meal. Today - day 3 I have a bit of headache which Dr.Google says is normal as your body suffers withdrawal symptoms from carbs, sugar, diary and proccessed foods. On a more personal note I have the heaviest period of my life which is also apparently common but this does stop as your hormone levels even out.

The only thing I do is miss is chocolate and that will be coming back to an extent after the thirty days.

Cheats:

I did have a cider at my parents house on Monday. Whoops but I don't think it matters too much.

The important info:

All the measurements where taken on Sunday night.

Weight: 82kg

Waist: 94cm

Hips: 110cm

Bust: 98cm

Wow okay I am really putting that out for the world to read. Don't judge I weighed 42kg's when I left school. Okay you can judge me... I judge myself. I did need to gain about 15kgs after school as I was severly underweight but 40 is pushing it. My goal now is 62 kgs by September 10. I know I can do it.

I will be doing kettlebell workouts, yoga and cardio so not all weightloss can be attributed to the diet.

So let's start this journey and I would love your support along the way.



 

I'm back:)

I am back.... although the website still looks awful I have decided to just live with it until I can get someone else to do the design and editing work. I promise it will become more social media friendly. Some days I wish I could go back to Blogger as that was so much easier.

Anyway....

Since I left a few things have happened:

* My beautiful niece Sasha was born on January 1st. She was also the first baby born in Alberlito hopsital this year so the North Coast Courier did an article on her which you can find here. Isn't she so cute?

* I turned 30. Wow I still can't believe I am 30. My husband planned a surprise weekend away for me to Misty Peaks in the Drakensberg. I had a fantastic weekend surrounded by friends and family in a spectacular setting. It did rain all weekend but the mountains look great even in the mist.

* Husband gave me a pendant with a tanzinite rock that dwarfs my engagement ring. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

* Zoey started crawling. Now she is in everything and so Ewan is learning to hide his toys.

*Ewan started Grade RR. He is so close to being able to read and write. Thought about moving him straight to Grade R but after talking it over with a few people decide to leave him in RR. He will be 5 in June which means he would be 18 six months after leaving school. I don't think he would handle being the youngest in his year very well socially and emotionally.

*I have some very big news that hopefully I can tell you about soon. It will change so many things in my life and I am sure the changes will be for the better.

* I can finally call myself a writer. I have a number of freelance jobs coming in and it's slowly starting to pay. My first book has passed the $200 mark on Amazon which isn't a huge amount but it's a start. Praise from a few well known editors in this country for pitches I have sent has given me the self belief I so badly needed. So onward and upward.

Hopefully my thirties will bring me to a happier and more content place in my life.

So what have you all been up to?